not enough time in days

my days seems so short and i hate how its the same thing over and over.
ive been spending ALOT of time in reading. i like it up there and ive made some amazing friends.
i leave for tour on june 26th and hopfully Garrison moves in shortly before or after that. this month seems like its gonna be reallllllly busy. i miss having freedom, as in bein able to take off work and splurg... i just cant afford it. and hate how money controls the world ... or so it seems.

mehh im done writing.

"we can't change the world until you change ourselves"

change

alot has changed and i don't know where to start.
i miss alot of people latly.
i've fucked up and i've recently had to say bye to some of the most meaningful closest people to me. i met someone who so far is by far one of the most amazing people ive ever met. he has made me smile more then i ever have in the past month. i hope it lasts.
ive become alot closer with ange and madeline i missed them both dearly but when none of us have schedules that comply it's hard to even text.
i'm feeling over whelemed and beyond tired to the point where i can't sleep unless im sleeping next to someone, for some odd reason. i get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night and ive been pulling 12 hour days at work. this is one of the busiest times of the year and i need the money so i have no choice. ugh...
the weathers getting nice and its killing me that i can't be outside as much as last year & i miss taken my little weiner everywhere :] eheheh
i'm gonna go to school next spring... i really dont' know where i want to go now... U-arts or AI... the money is the issue... ugh.
idk.
i feel like i've grown alot as a person now that im living on my own... i guess it kinda forces you to grow up and take responsibilty buttttt its weird... my mom is like my friend now. i still havn't spoken to my dad make that 4 months now? i think maybe 5? i don't really care.
i'm happy with life and the way things are. i miss people but theres not really much i can do about that now.

sooooo the end :]

are you out there?

ive come to realize that searching isn't the answer nor is forcing. my head is up to the sky with hope that soon you'll come my way and i won't be blind at that point. i feel as if there is friend or friends in my life who have feelings for me that i don't have for them and im not sure what to say other then im sorry? its hard seeing the perfect person for you right in front of your eyes the only thing thats missing is the feelings and forcing your self would be a lie, and thats the last thing i want to do. theres so much potential in so many people surrounding me i think im just scared not terrified but scared from the past; it might be holding me back but i really don't want to commit to something until i get the butterflys when your name comes up in conversation or i see something that reminds me of you. maybe i'm living a fairy tale dream but being alone till i find that fairy tale is what ive decided to do. im happy where i am and the way things are and until im not this is the way i will go about living.



:] smile.

i have a new life.

So as some of you may or may not know, i moved out. I live in a house with two people. It's pretty amazing. Being a "grownup" pretty much BLOWS... i hate bills and all that crap but its life. It's made me open my eyes ALOT... I'm finding me and im realizing how independent i am.
I still don't have someone to give my heart to, but i'm okay with that for the time being... i guess i have someone in mind but nothing will tell but time; or the future ( which ever you prefer ) i've just come through one of the roughest patches in my life yet and i did it alone and this has made me realize you don't need anyone holding your hand and pushing you in any situation... yeah its nice but you will survive without. i'm happy for the most part and i love who i have become... i hate that i have lost alot of people in my life but what can ya do? i can't force anyone to come around or answer my calls. People change is it's apart of life.
sooooo i figured out what i want to do about my tattoo, Jordy moved to SC and isn't comming back SOOO im fucked in that aspect... i found someone named Jay Reel who i'm going to get to finish my tattoo. The tattoo is going to be dedicated to the city because it made me who i am.. with out it i don't think i would have had the inpiration and motivation i did. It made me open my eyes to a whole new world; of art of people of music of knowledge of experience of culture. its a beautiful place.

im not really sure what else to write sooo yeah..
bye.

In the midst of finding me...

I found you.... who knows where this will go, I just love the feeling of being able to smile again. and I realized I have the most amazing friend in the world; Ang.... I wouldn't give her up for the world...she is my other half and I love her with my whole heart,she has done everything and more, she has stood by my side and held me up when I was begging her to just let me fall. shea given me hope in evrything getting better... and it has gotten better, imensely.I'm proud of myself for letting you go but I'm sorry I had to do so. I don't like weeping hearts and crying but I needed to be me and not me transformed to your liking. I love who I am and I never want to change or anyone but me. I recently got a tattoo and got kicked out for it. I wouldn't say it was a reality check and I don't have a problem about it it just opened my eyesto the fact of how non-accepting even the closest people are to you. it sucks there's no others words for it. it's probably the most terrible pain in the world knowing that the people who created you and scuplted you to be who you are don't like or don't accept who they have helped you to become... I love my tattoo and I don't regret it. it's beautiful and it's apart of me that means alot to me... I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin around my family and not have themmad and questioning me because I got something that means so much to me and I've wanted for years. the main question is... what does it mean; it means don't lose hope not only in your self but in everything you do jay because it's hard or you don't like it or someone says you can't if you have the hope and believe in your self you can do it or have it or whatever it may be. I grew up feeling like I had nothing to look forward to, I had no friends and I was always just a no body until high school and tech and getting a job I always just told myself and my mom always toldme don't lose hope your time will come believe in yourself... and yes they are comeback kid lyrics and yes justin magdule (sp?) has it too across his chest I don't see that as a big deal I bet there's 600 other people across the world who have it too... I just wanted to say thank you to the few people in my life right now who hve stuck out their hands and hearts to helpme through this rough patch and I amso unbelievably grateful for you all.... if there was a way to show it to you I would.... I think of something. you all know who you are whether I've seen you eryday or once a year you all are amazing people and I wouldn't give you up for the worldokay wellllllll I think I'm done my mouth is throbing from surgery anndddd I'm done typing.LOVE

i need to find me.

where are you me?

THANK GOD ITS ALL OVER

new year

so it's the new year and life so far doesn't feel any different.

i have no motivation...

i crashed / totaled my bug... ]:

i've yet to see some people who mean the most to me and i miss dearly.

things are good though... 

my head is turned high and im really trying to get back on a good straight path.

im sorry...

a year ago....

at this point and time i was in sheer happiness. Everything with my friends and family were good. i was in a decent relationship and it was my senior year. This year compared to last just doesn't compare in more then one way. Yes im still with Kenny and things are fine with us, we are still together and doing good but the rest of life is just down hill. My family has fallen apart and thats including my aunts and uncles and so fourth. Bridge has cancer.... breast cancer... i didn't even know that was possible for dogs. I know i have peewee but bridge is only 5 and adding to the cancer shes going blind fast.. its almost like she aged to fast. we find out friday how long she has left. Friends this year just aren't the same. I feel like i know no one anymore. Ang is the only person who calls me on a regular and trys to hang out with me and makes an effort and yeah sometimes our plans drop or something else comes up but we don't hold it against eachother. Work is fine... i guess its just hectic and people think they can come to me to get away with shit. its annoying. I really would like to get the fuck out of my house its a terrible hellhole but finding room mates and place to live just isn't working out. My car took a shit... yes the bug. my cooling system is fucked and i don't have the money to get it fixed. Christmas is here and i have NO money to buy people anything. ): i would love to just sleep through my days at this point, or atleast until things get better or even run away.. i wouldn't mind that to much....
ugh im done...............



this blog is just a bunch of bickering.
Atlantic City tonight maybe it will take my mind off some things for a little

our hearts

are bigger then you could ever imagin.

life is a jumble

of words of things of memories of objects of places of people of letters of numbers of pictures of laughs of crys of animals.

life is weird and im not to sure about somethings.
im happy....kind of....
im sad.....kind of.....
im confused.....kind of....
im mad.....kind of....
im alot...........................................

Stuck in my head; sticks with you

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
a crowd of people around you
telling you it's ok
and everything happens for a reason

when you lose a part of yourself to somebody you know
it takes a lot to let go
every breath that you remember
pictures fade away, but memory's forever

an empty chair at all the tables
and always seeing you when all my days boil down
but its better where you're going anyway

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
it's really hard to get through
tough times and long days
but it really just depends on the season

for now we'll say good bye
we know it's not the last time
I lost the best part of my day
but its better where you're going anyway

it's weird how certain things and places and people stick with you
i can't get this song out of my head today......

Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

i won't give up... even if it seems like i am giving up.

to you:

KENNY: you are the most amazing person i have come across to this point in my life. you are an amazing boyfriend and i know im not always the best girlfriend but im learning from my mistakes. i know for a fact that everything i tell you i mean, it comes from my heart not 1/2 heartedly or lies... i mean it. i can't wait to move in with you in january and get our lives on track. im so thankul for all you have done for me and i really hope you understand how much you really so mean to me.

RYAN: yes rycal. you were my bestfriend and im not really sure what happened. im not sure if it's the fact that i don't drink or smoke or party. or it's the fact that i don't see you every day in tech or if it's the fact that you have new friends. but i miss you and i still consider you one of my bestfriends. i just honestly don't think you understand how much you mean to me and how much i miss you. your probably the funniest person to this day i've ever met and you have one of the most amazing families. i need to see you asap.

MIKE/ALEX: i know we used to be mad close im not sure what happened. same as ryan i don't know if it's the whole partying drinking smoking thing. but i wish that would change. i just want you to know that no matter what your too are also one of my bestfriends and i miss you.

KEVIN: i don't really know whats going on with our friendship. you were my only friend and my bestfriend for a long time. ever since the beach i feel like our relationship has gone down hill. god i feel like im talking about a marriage but seriously. i miss you and we were to pretty crazy cats. seriously we need to arrange lunch or something....

GAR: so your life is changing drasticlly and your lost in your own mind. but just know im here for you and ya mean alot to me. and don't think your ever bugging me. i will always have time for my friends when they need it. your a good person you just need to find who you are. and one of these days ima get you to go edge you just wait ! ps. lay off the girls... im kidding :p

MADELINE: girl i love you to peices and the laughing never stops. i wish i could see you more but i understand the situation. just know im here and im not gonna replace you or anything of that sort. keep your head high... but not with drugs. love you :!)

ANG: you like disappeared i guess thats what college does to you. but i miss you and i wanna see you asap. i miss your goofy ass... and i have no idea whats going on in your life on bit which SUCKS. love you girl.

KELLY: all i have to say is WHEN THE FUCK DID WE GET ICE CREAM!? i see you everyday so you know the rest.

ALLY: girl you crazzzzzyyyy. and this whole doing lunch because our classes both end early never worked lol. i miss you and now that you can drive you better get your ass over here some time soon. looooveeee youuuuuuuu hope everythings good.




i just wanted to let you all know that i do love and care about you and im here through thick and thin.
:)

the sky is blue

and my eyes are looking at it in a whole new presepctive.
as i wish some others would.
im happy where i am going and im doing my best to get there.
i can't wait to finally feel good about every solitar thing in my life.
kenny and i are looking into a cupple different places to live. he might be getting a job about 20 mins from ocean city maryland. thats really far from philly but i might be okay with it. its in my head. or we might just live in delaware where he is now... or maybe even closer to me like KOP. its all up in the air, and thats okay. we are figureing other things out first
so kenny and i went pumpkin picking with kelly and peewee yesterday. it was alot of fun. after pumpkin picking kenny and i went to the craft store and thought up / found a brilliant idea. we both want to make our ears bigger so we bought clay and made our own plugs they are actually pretty sweet and they work. im gonna post pictures as soon as we are done making them.
peewee is huge.. shes so looooong. it's cute.
all in all things are going good and everything is good.

my world crumbled

i feel like my whole world just fell on me and is sofficating me.

catch up

this is just a rant and a little catch up on my life.

i just wanna start with talking about a girl named Kelly in my life. She is a year younger then me a whole hell of a lot smarter then me. we met through work. i kinda new her before but not like i do now. shes come to be one of my REALLY good freinds. we talk everyday about the most random shit and we both hate everyone we work with. theres just one thing about her that urks me and kinda hurts. and this isn't me trashing her at all because i don't mind if she reads this because ive told it all to her face many times before. shes an amazing girl and an amazing friend.... but she does drugs... and i guess this goes with my last blog, well kinda shes just a new friend. and 2 days ago was the very first day that she hadn't smoked for 24 hours. and she said it was hard and yesterday was her 2nd day. it just goes to show how hard it can be for someone. i guess in a way she has a bit of an addiction. and it worries me and scares me... because her mind is so brilliant but she could loose everything she has over something SO stupid. i think shes starting to realize after many many little arguments and fights and talks about stuff. i just wish this would happen with other friends.

next in line. things are changing, people are chaning the whole winter depression is coming and it sucks i hate seeing people down and when people get home sick while at college i really wish i had the money to go visit alot of different people. i just want everyone to be happy and quit being sad and fighting. i love the feeling of having old relationships come back months later. i love meeting up with those old friends and just being so happy to see them. christmas and thanksgiving break are coming up. i guess we will see what happens.theres alot of people i miss like ryan mike kevin dan gabby ang ali madeline! gar jordan jill .... shits WEAK!

bleh this blog is boring read my last one.

edge of the world

i wish i could change some peoples minds about the things they do.

like drinking and smoking. i have some really good friends who were all once edge and claimed edge and then one random day about maybe 2 years ago they were like whoops nevermind.... and now everythings different i mean granit we all grow up and we all change.... we're humans and our brains grow and change so we grow and change... but i just don't understand it. and i don't know if it's because i've never actually gotten drunk or drank or because i've never smoked or touched a drug other then caffeen and medicine for like a migrain ( but not abusing it ). i don't know but i wish i did. i just don't get the joy in wrecking your body. alot of people fight me about how pot isn't bad blah blah blah in some way shape or form its bad.... it changes who you are and i know it for a fact... it kills your brain cells... slows you down and you no longer are that happy up beat person.... your lazy...i love my friends more then they know ( thats the truth ) but i wish they would be in my shoes for a day... from the out side looking in. because i know they would change their mind. me as a person ... i feel healthier when im around them i feel more up beat lets go do something... but at the same time i feel left out because they want to smoke or do acid or drink and i don't .. so i have to be the one to walk away and that sucks because the last thing i would ever want to do is turn my back on a friend. i just know that a few of them were happier when they were edge... they have come to me and told me that. i've had so many friends come to me and tell me they want to stop everything but they don't know how and then i get them going on the right path and it gets all fucked up and i don't even know how... its like they can't stand being with out the drug and thats sad. it kinda hurts when people in my life choose drugs over me. like they would rather do them then hang out with me. it sucks. and to boot i barley ever even get to see my freinds. and i try so hard to make plans with people and they don't text or call me back or anything. or they just ignore the fact that im even around anymore which i guess wouldn't make them good friends which leaves me with............. about 2 friends. maybe.

i don't know this is just a big long rant and im sorry. i just wish i had an explination.........

but there most likly won't ever be one.

smile its a beautiful day!

you