not enough time in days

my days seems so short and i hate how its the same thing over and over.
ive been spending ALOT of time in reading. i like it up there and ive made some amazing friends.
i leave for tour on june 26th and hopfully Garrison moves in shortly before or after that. this month seems like its gonna be reallllllly busy. i miss having freedom, as in bein able to take off work and splurg... i just cant afford it. and hate how money controls the world ... or so it seems.

mehh im done writing.

"we can't change the world until you change ourselves"

change

alot has changed and i don't know where to start.
i miss alot of people latly.
i've fucked up and i've recently had to say bye to some of the most meaningful closest people to me. i met someone who so far is by far one of the most amazing people ive ever met. he has made me smile more then i ever have in the past month. i hope it lasts.
ive become alot closer with ange and madeline i missed them both dearly but when none of us have schedules that comply it's hard to even text.
i'm feeling over whelemed and beyond tired to the point where i can't sleep unless im sleeping next to someone, for some odd reason. i get maybe 4 hours of sleep a night and ive been pulling 12 hour days at work. this is one of the busiest times of the year and i need the money so i have no choice. ugh...
the weathers getting nice and its killing me that i can't be outside as much as last year & i miss taken my little weiner everywhere :] eheheh
i'm gonna go to school next spring... i really dont' know where i want to go now... U-arts or AI... the money is the issue... ugh.
idk.
i feel like i've grown alot as a person now that im living on my own... i guess it kinda forces you to grow up and take responsibilty buttttt its weird... my mom is like my friend now. i still havn't spoken to my dad make that 4 months now? i think maybe 5? i don't really care.
i'm happy with life and the way things are. i miss people but theres not really much i can do about that now.

sooooo the end :]

are you out there?

ive come to realize that searching isn't the answer nor is forcing. my head is up to the sky with hope that soon you'll come my way and i won't be blind at that point. i feel as if there is friend or friends in my life who have feelings for me that i don't have for them and im not sure what to say other then im sorry? its hard seeing the perfect person for you right in front of your eyes the only thing thats missing is the feelings and forcing your self would be a lie, and thats the last thing i want to do. theres so much potential in so many people surrounding me i think im just scared not terrified but scared from the past; it might be holding me back but i really don't want to commit to something until i get the butterflys when your name comes up in conversation or i see something that reminds me of you. maybe i'm living a fairy tale dream but being alone till i find that fairy tale is what ive decided to do. im happy where i am and the way things are and until im not this is the way i will go about living.



:] smile.

i have a new life.

So as some of you may or may not know, i moved out. I live in a house with two people. It's pretty amazing. Being a "grownup" pretty much BLOWS... i hate bills and all that crap but its life. It's made me open my eyes ALOT... I'm finding me and im realizing how independent i am.
I still don't have someone to give my heart to, but i'm okay with that for the time being... i guess i have someone in mind but nothing will tell but time; or the future ( which ever you prefer ) i've just come through one of the roughest patches in my life yet and i did it alone and this has made me realize you don't need anyone holding your hand and pushing you in any situation... yeah its nice but you will survive without. i'm happy for the most part and i love who i have become... i hate that i have lost alot of people in my life but what can ya do? i can't force anyone to come around or answer my calls. People change is it's apart of life.
sooooo i figured out what i want to do about my tattoo, Jordy moved to SC and isn't comming back SOOO im fucked in that aspect... i found someone named Jay Reel who i'm going to get to finish my tattoo. The tattoo is going to be dedicated to the city because it made me who i am.. with out it i don't think i would have had the inpiration and motivation i did. It made me open my eyes to a whole new world; of art of people of music of knowledge of experience of culture. its a beautiful place.

im not really sure what else to write sooo yeah..
bye.

In the midst of finding me...

I found you.... who knows where this will go, I just love the feeling of being able to smile again. and I realized I have the most amazing friend in the world; Ang.... I wouldn't give her up for the world...she is my other half and I love her with my whole heart,she has done everything and more, she has stood by my side and held me up when I was begging her to just let me fall. shea given me hope in evrything getting better... and it has gotten better, imensely.I'm proud of myself for letting you go but I'm sorry I had to do so. I don't like weeping hearts and crying but I needed to be me and not me transformed to your liking. I love who I am and I never want to change or anyone but me. I recently got a tattoo and got kicked out for it. I wouldn't say it was a reality check and I don't have a problem about it it just opened my eyesto the fact of how non-accepting even the closest people are to you. it sucks there's no others words for it. it's probably the most terrible pain in the world knowing that the people who created you and scuplted you to be who you are don't like or don't accept who they have helped you to become... I love my tattoo and I don't regret it. it's beautiful and it's apart of me that means alot to me... I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin around my family and not have themmad and questioning me because I got something that means so much to me and I've wanted for years. the main question is... what does it mean; it means don't lose hope not only in your self but in everything you do jay because it's hard or you don't like it or someone says you can't if you have the hope and believe in your self you can do it or have it or whatever it may be. I grew up feeling like I had nothing to look forward to, I had no friends and I was always just a no body until high school and tech and getting a job I always just told myself and my mom always toldme don't lose hope your time will come believe in yourself... and yes they are comeback kid lyrics and yes justin magdule (sp?) has it too across his chest I don't see that as a big deal I bet there's 600 other people across the world who have it too... I just wanted to say thank you to the few people in my life right now who hve stuck out their hands and hearts to helpme through this rough patch and I amso unbelievably grateful for you all.... if there was a way to show it to you I would.... I think of something. you all know who you are whether I've seen you eryday or once a year you all are amazing people and I wouldn't give you up for the worldokay wellllllll I think I'm done my mouth is throbing from surgery anndddd I'm done typing.LOVE

i need to find me.

where are you me?