im sorry...

a year ago....

at this point and time i was in sheer happiness. Everything with my friends and family were good. i was in a decent relationship and it was my senior year. This year compared to last just doesn't compare in more then one way. Yes im still with Kenny and things are fine with us, we are still together and doing good but the rest of life is just down hill. My family has fallen apart and thats including my aunts and uncles and so fourth. Bridge has cancer.... breast cancer... i didn't even know that was possible for dogs. I know i have peewee but bridge is only 5 and adding to the cancer shes going blind fast.. its almost like she aged to fast. we find out friday how long she has left. Friends this year just aren't the same. I feel like i know no one anymore. Ang is the only person who calls me on a regular and trys to hang out with me and makes an effort and yeah sometimes our plans drop or something else comes up but we don't hold it against eachother. Work is fine... i guess its just hectic and people think they can come to me to get away with shit. its annoying. I really would like to get the fuck out of my house its a terrible hellhole but finding room mates and place to live just isn't working out. My car took a shit... yes the bug. my cooling system is fucked and i don't have the money to get it fixed. Christmas is here and i have NO money to buy people anything. ): i would love to just sleep through my days at this point, or atleast until things get better or even run away.. i wouldn't mind that to much....
ugh im done...............



this blog is just a bunch of bickering.
Atlantic City tonight maybe it will take my mind off some things for a little

our hearts

are bigger then you could ever imagin.

life is a jumble

of words of things of memories of objects of places of people of letters of numbers of pictures of laughs of crys of animals.

life is weird and im not to sure about somethings.
im happy....kind of....
im sad.....kind of.....
im confused.....kind of....
im mad.....kind of....
im alot...........................................

Stuck in my head; sticks with you

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
a crowd of people around you
telling you it's ok
and everything happens for a reason

when you lose a part of yourself to somebody you know
it takes a lot to let go
every breath that you remember
pictures fade away, but memory's forever

an empty chair at all the tables
and always seeing you when all my days boil down
but its better where you're going anyway

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
it's really hard to get through
tough times and long days
but it really just depends on the season

for now we'll say good bye
we know it's not the last time
I lost the best part of my day
but its better where you're going anyway

it's weird how certain things and places and people stick with you
i can't get this song out of my head today......

Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

i won't give up... even if it seems like i am giving up.

to you:

KENNY: you are the most amazing person i have come across to this point in my life. you are an amazing boyfriend and i know im not always the best girlfriend but im learning from my mistakes. i know for a fact that everything i tell you i mean, it comes from my heart not 1/2 heartedly or lies... i mean it. i can't wait to move in with you in january and get our lives on track. im so thankul for all you have done for me and i really hope you understand how much you really so mean to me.

RYAN: yes rycal. you were my bestfriend and im not really sure what happened. im not sure if it's the fact that i don't drink or smoke or party. or it's the fact that i don't see you every day in tech or if it's the fact that you have new friends. but i miss you and i still consider you one of my bestfriends. i just honestly don't think you understand how much you mean to me and how much i miss you. your probably the funniest person to this day i've ever met and you have one of the most amazing families. i need to see you asap.

MIKE/ALEX: i know we used to be mad close im not sure what happened. same as ryan i don't know if it's the whole partying drinking smoking thing. but i wish that would change. i just want you to know that no matter what your too are also one of my bestfriends and i miss you.

KEVIN: i don't really know whats going on with our friendship. you were my only friend and my bestfriend for a long time. ever since the beach i feel like our relationship has gone down hill. god i feel like im talking about a marriage but seriously. i miss you and we were to pretty crazy cats. seriously we need to arrange lunch or something....

GAR: so your life is changing drasticlly and your lost in your own mind. but just know im here for you and ya mean alot to me. and don't think your ever bugging me. i will always have time for my friends when they need it. your a good person you just need to find who you are. and one of these days ima get you to go edge you just wait ! ps. lay off the girls... im kidding :p

MADELINE: girl i love you to peices and the laughing never stops. i wish i could see you more but i understand the situation. just know im here and im not gonna replace you or anything of that sort. keep your head high... but not with drugs. love you :!)

ANG: you like disappeared i guess thats what college does to you. but i miss you and i wanna see you asap. i miss your goofy ass... and i have no idea whats going on in your life on bit which SUCKS. love you girl.

KELLY: all i have to say is WHEN THE FUCK DID WE GET ICE CREAM!? i see you everyday so you know the rest.

ALLY: girl you crazzzzzyyyy. and this whole doing lunch because our classes both end early never worked lol. i miss you and now that you can drive you better get your ass over here some time soon. looooveeee youuuuuuuu hope everythings good.




i just wanted to let you all know that i do love and care about you and im here through thick and thin.
:)

the sky is blue

and my eyes are looking at it in a whole new presepctive.
as i wish some others would.
im happy where i am going and im doing my best to get there.
i can't wait to finally feel good about every solitar thing in my life.
kenny and i are looking into a cupple different places to live. he might be getting a job about 20 mins from ocean city maryland. thats really far from philly but i might be okay with it. its in my head. or we might just live in delaware where he is now... or maybe even closer to me like KOP. its all up in the air, and thats okay. we are figureing other things out first
so kenny and i went pumpkin picking with kelly and peewee yesterday. it was alot of fun. after pumpkin picking kenny and i went to the craft store and thought up / found a brilliant idea. we both want to make our ears bigger so we bought clay and made our own plugs they are actually pretty sweet and they work. im gonna post pictures as soon as we are done making them.
peewee is huge.. shes so looooong. it's cute.
all in all things are going good and everything is good.

my world crumbled

i feel like my whole world just fell on me and is sofficating me.

catch up

this is just a rant and a little catch up on my life.

i just wanna start with talking about a girl named Kelly in my life. She is a year younger then me a whole hell of a lot smarter then me. we met through work. i kinda new her before but not like i do now. shes come to be one of my REALLY good freinds. we talk everyday about the most random shit and we both hate everyone we work with. theres just one thing about her that urks me and kinda hurts. and this isn't me trashing her at all because i don't mind if she reads this because ive told it all to her face many times before. shes an amazing girl and an amazing friend.... but she does drugs... and i guess this goes with my last blog, well kinda shes just a new friend. and 2 days ago was the very first day that she hadn't smoked for 24 hours. and she said it was hard and yesterday was her 2nd day. it just goes to show how hard it can be for someone. i guess in a way she has a bit of an addiction. and it worries me and scares me... because her mind is so brilliant but she could loose everything she has over something SO stupid. i think shes starting to realize after many many little arguments and fights and talks about stuff. i just wish this would happen with other friends.

next in line. things are changing, people are chaning the whole winter depression is coming and it sucks i hate seeing people down and when people get home sick while at college i really wish i had the money to go visit alot of different people. i just want everyone to be happy and quit being sad and fighting. i love the feeling of having old relationships come back months later. i love meeting up with those old friends and just being so happy to see them. christmas and thanksgiving break are coming up. i guess we will see what happens.theres alot of people i miss like ryan mike kevin dan gabby ang ali madeline! gar jordan jill .... shits WEAK!

bleh this blog is boring read my last one.

edge of the world

i wish i could change some peoples minds about the things they do.

like drinking and smoking. i have some really good friends who were all once edge and claimed edge and then one random day about maybe 2 years ago they were like whoops nevermind.... and now everythings different i mean granit we all grow up and we all change.... we're humans and our brains grow and change so we grow and change... but i just don't understand it. and i don't know if it's because i've never actually gotten drunk or drank or because i've never smoked or touched a drug other then caffeen and medicine for like a migrain ( but not abusing it ). i don't know but i wish i did. i just don't get the joy in wrecking your body. alot of people fight me about how pot isn't bad blah blah blah in some way shape or form its bad.... it changes who you are and i know it for a fact... it kills your brain cells... slows you down and you no longer are that happy up beat person.... your lazy...i love my friends more then they know ( thats the truth ) but i wish they would be in my shoes for a day... from the out side looking in. because i know they would change their mind. me as a person ... i feel healthier when im around them i feel more up beat lets go do something... but at the same time i feel left out because they want to smoke or do acid or drink and i don't .. so i have to be the one to walk away and that sucks because the last thing i would ever want to do is turn my back on a friend. i just know that a few of them were happier when they were edge... they have come to me and told me that. i've had so many friends come to me and tell me they want to stop everything but they don't know how and then i get them going on the right path and it gets all fucked up and i don't even know how... its like they can't stand being with out the drug and thats sad. it kinda hurts when people in my life choose drugs over me. like they would rather do them then hang out with me. it sucks. and to boot i barley ever even get to see my freinds. and i try so hard to make plans with people and they don't text or call me back or anything. or they just ignore the fact that im even around anymore which i guess wouldn't make them good friends which leaves me with............. about 2 friends. maybe.

i don't know this is just a big long rant and im sorry. i just wish i had an explination.........

but there most likly won't ever be one.

smile its a beautiful day!

you

hard to breathe

its getting hard to breathe with the way life has been going latly. yeah i know my last blog was so good and up beat but im falling and im useing everything i have to stay up. i want to be positive and i don't want to be negitive and sad all the time. my home life is getting the best of me and i don't know how to change it, other then moving out but thats so much easier said then done. im beleiving in myself and others around me i just have this pit in my stomach about something and i don't know what. i feel like ive lost someone and in a sense i have but not really. i want to be happy and smiley i want to be aidy a year ago. bleh. i feel like i should be on meds or something.. okay so maybe thats over exagerating a little but still. if i loose the one person on this earth because of the way im being and how my life is going right now i think ill jump out a 5 story window.... i hate even thinking that. i hate watching myself drive someone away when really im trying to pull them closer i guess i just don't know how. im stressed and trying my best to gasp for air. i need kenny in my life and if anything happens i don't know what ill do. ive fucked up alot and i have no way what so ever of fixing it and for all of you who think im a whore NO i didn't cheat on him thats the last thing i would ever do. well its not even the last thing because it wouldnt ever even happen . i know my blogs suck i just dont' know what else to write.

peewee is good and chasing her tale right now... ha.

smiling is one way to cure the world.

im still looking up regaurdless.

looking up

The other day Kenny and i were driving and we got into a little nothing fight like usual ( don't act like they don't exist) and i broke down.... completly... we talked... about everything... from certain people to us to money to peewee... we figured alot of stuff out and deiced alot. i don't really want to get to into it because its pretty personal but he helped me open my eyes and tilted my head the little angle it needed to be. im looking up into the bright sky each day and im mkaing the best of it. im working out my life as best i can and im doing everything i can to keep on the right path. there won't be any more giving up or stressing out. everythings going to be a-okay. and you know what...with out him i think i would have jumped out a window by now. he keeps me strong and picks me up and gets me going when im thinking the very worst. he doesn't know it but he means the world to me and i couldn't ask for anyone greater in my life right now.

:)
thinking positive.
smile... its good for the heart.

life latly

just doesn't seem right.... or fair.
i feel like my best friendship... the friendship i have with someone who means more to me then they even realize is slipping away from me. shes the only person i could ever stand to be around for 9 days straight and still not be sick of. i miss her and its breaking my heart. i know she has a busy schedule but this fucking sucks. don't get me wrong i love the people i work with and most of all i love kenny, who is always here for me but sometimes you just need that girly-girl moment and you need that girl moment where you laugh at how stupid you are or you compain about having your period or you go to about advice... and right now i don't have that because shes the only people in my life who i will and want to go to about stuff. its not her fault its not ones fault its just life but i refuse to loose her as my bestfriend.

on another hand my bills are out of control and im still driving my bug nor have i sold my stupid car. tomorrow possibly? but who knows. geze i miss being happy and loving EVERYTHING about life.

on a better note peewee is the most amazing little bundel of joy. shes so cute and so good exzept the whole potty training but were getting there.

and kenny... i couldn't ask for anything more in my life right now. i know to him im a pain in the ass and i cause him so much stupid shit but i don't mean to and im working on it my best. i hate being stressed and i hate being like this. i hate hating my self and i hate how he is the one who has to actually see how much i hate my self. were thinking about moving out i just don't know when.... its all up in the air i guess you could say.

i miss summer i miss my friends i miss ang i miss madeline.i miss smiling and nothing worrieing ABOUT ANYTHING... now all i do is worry about when ill get enough money to pay my bills and my dad.... and if im gonna be kicked out and how my grades are and how im acting towards kenny. i just hate and am upset with my life right now... its just another bump.... I KNOW. i know ill get over it but i just hate when things get like this because this just isn't me at all... i wanna be happy and carefreeeeeee again.
anyway...
im done.


smile... for me please?

slipping away

i feel like everything is slipping away...
and it don't like this feeling at all.
theres so much to do and it seems impossible.
my bills are out of control...
i feel like i've lost my bestfriend
this puppy is more then i thought...
my family is hell
work is nuts im there ALL the time.
im unhappy with my self and how things are going.
i hate the fact that i can't drive my bug till i start making payments in which i have no money to do so and i can't sell my car for the life of me.
shoot me....

i miss being where ever when ever.....

peewee

peewee my little ball of hope to get me through this slump.

KAN<3

the past forms

into the future.

follow your heart.

little dog of hope

so i met this dog today.....

he gave me a sense of hope.....

im going to miss you more then you realize

better days

blank.

theres so much i could write about, seeming im never on. lets begin with... out with the old in with the new. its almost fall... sorta and the old is well... old and it needs to go so im letting it go. starting with a few people ( not old in age, just old in ... friendships i guess you could say ) then comes the room. i and a few others cleaned out my room and i don't like it but its whatever i guess you could say it is better then what it looked like before. tonight i hung up alot more art work it made my room feel smaller but its whatever. at least its getting looked at now i guess.

hmmmm in with the new? well im selling my car someone is coming to look at it tomorrow morning :) hes from jersey hes got that real think jersey boy accent too lol.... gahdi boy is all i could think of. andddd i bought a red bug tonight :) its SO incredibly cute. the girl i bought it from was real sad to see it go but her dad was making her sell it because she was going off to college. i guess thats all thats really new right now.

i miss my bestfriend..... shes off at cheer camp and im stuck here.. blehhh 

ive come to a point in my life where i can actually say im happy... because i am.... im happy with where i am even though im tight in the money situation right now ... other then that things are going prettttty good. my heart feels good. my brain isn't all jumbled. i think im on the right track to pure happiness :) 

so theres some people i miss alot... and i wanna go see but you know when you don't have the money or time. thats kinda my slump.... im gonna find a way before the end of summer but i just dont know when. i havn't been there all summer and its hard to get up there....bleh

 

this is really random so i guess ill just end it with some pictures...

stranger

i feel like a stranger to the internet... im never on.

but at the same time i never even home, which is amazing... i know my mom hates it with a passion but its better that way. Life is changing i guess for the good. ive had so many mixed emotions about so many things lately its kinda weird and kinda scary. i don't know what to do about something things and i know to much about other things. wooooo! i love life and everything is going good though, i wanna get a tattoo so bad, now that i can and all. i was laying in bed this morning and i was thinking of what i wanted to get first and other then my little one on my foot i think im just gonna go big and get my chest done. go big or go home right? hahaha. i just really love chest pieces and i know what i want. but yeah thats life.

pictures?

away we go

i havn't been home for days, well weeks.
i like it like that.
i leave tomorrow for the lake with madeline, i feel like its gonna be such a nice get away.
the beach / my birthday was amazing... we stayed a little longer then planned it was so good. i love the people in my life right now. i couldn't ask for better friends. madeline and mike are mad cute together and im so glad kevin is now happyly falling in love with miggi, shes nice.
here are some pictures from the trip.

forever.

i wouldn't give these two girls up for anything. they have been holding me together for the past few months. they mean everything to me. this friendship is something you should probably be jelious of.
<3

mind.

i have alot on my mind.

moment

at this very moment life is amazing.
i don't really know what could make things better...
well i guess theres a few things but im really not worried about them right now.
:):):)
im happ-eeeeeee

6 mores days....

calender

so lifes been hectic. i absolutly love it. it gets my mind off of everything. i was just down to maryland and then i got back and started taking my random adventures everywhere :) i have a feeling im gonna have a really good set of pictures by the end of this summer.

UP AND COMING
July 4th - fireworks :):):)
July 6-13 - im trying to work EVERYDAY to get money July 14 - MY BIRTHDAY ( mike and kev come home from flordia)
July 14-17? - BEACH with madeline miggi kenny mike kev & others
July 19- 27 - Lake Wallenpaulpack with madeline
July 28 - start working at Tonellies :) with madeline


so the rest of my month is booked, but im siked about it
ps. here's some new pictures

buy this from me.

it doesn't feel right

its in your heart and your stomach.

happy not 9 months a few days late.

secret

i have alot on my mind

so far.

this summer has been truly amazing. i think this by far thee' best summer ive ever had and its just started. ive been going on so many adventures and going so many different places. and meeting so many new people. and i have the best friends i could have ever asked for. im loving my life. and im happy again. i feel good. theres still a few knicks missing from me but im okay with it and im growing up. im pushing stuff aside and living life while i can.

this is amazing.

cliff jumping

most amazing thing ive ever done...

its such an adreniline rush...

these are only 5 out of 40 pictures

you.

are something new.

: )

trip.

so my trip was interesting and long. i didn't want to leave and i was so tempted to come get my shit and just move in with my aunt and uncle. but i feel like i have something good coming here in pa. im starting to really like life again. im happy and thats such a good feelings. but anyway i figured i would post pictures from my trip.