edge of the world

i wish i could change some peoples minds about the things they do.

like drinking and smoking. i have some really good friends who were all once edge and claimed edge and then one random day about maybe 2 years ago they were like whoops nevermind.... and now everythings different i mean granit we all grow up and we all change.... we're humans and our brains grow and change so we grow and change... but i just don't understand it. and i don't know if it's because i've never actually gotten drunk or drank or because i've never smoked or touched a drug other then caffeen and medicine for like a migrain ( but not abusing it ). i don't know but i wish i did. i just don't get the joy in wrecking your body. alot of people fight me about how pot isn't bad blah blah blah in some way shape or form its bad.... it changes who you are and i know it for a fact... it kills your brain cells... slows you down and you no longer are that happy up beat person.... your lazy...i love my friends more then they know ( thats the truth ) but i wish they would be in my shoes for a day... from the out side looking in. because i know they would change their mind. me as a person ... i feel healthier when im around them i feel more up beat lets go do something... but at the same time i feel left out because they want to smoke or do acid or drink and i don't .. so i have to be the one to walk away and that sucks because the last thing i would ever want to do is turn my back on a friend. i just know that a few of them were happier when they were edge... they have come to me and told me that. i've had so many friends come to me and tell me they want to stop everything but they don't know how and then i get them going on the right path and it gets all fucked up and i don't even know how... its like they can't stand being with out the drug and thats sad. it kinda hurts when people in my life choose drugs over me. like they would rather do them then hang out with me. it sucks. and to boot i barley ever even get to see my freinds. and i try so hard to make plans with people and they don't text or call me back or anything. or they just ignore the fact that im even around anymore which i guess wouldn't make them good friends which leaves me with............. about 2 friends. maybe.

i don't know this is just a big long rant and im sorry. i just wish i had an explination.........

but there most likly won't ever be one.

smile its a beautiful day!

you

hard to breathe

its getting hard to breathe with the way life has been going latly. yeah i know my last blog was so good and up beat but im falling and im useing everything i have to stay up. i want to be positive and i don't want to be negitive and sad all the time. my home life is getting the best of me and i don't know how to change it, other then moving out but thats so much easier said then done. im beleiving in myself and others around me i just have this pit in my stomach about something and i don't know what. i feel like ive lost someone and in a sense i have but not really. i want to be happy and smiley i want to be aidy a year ago. bleh. i feel like i should be on meds or something.. okay so maybe thats over exagerating a little but still. if i loose the one person on this earth because of the way im being and how my life is going right now i think ill jump out a 5 story window.... i hate even thinking that. i hate watching myself drive someone away when really im trying to pull them closer i guess i just don't know how. im stressed and trying my best to gasp for air. i need kenny in my life and if anything happens i don't know what ill do. ive fucked up alot and i have no way what so ever of fixing it and for all of you who think im a whore NO i didn't cheat on him thats the last thing i would ever do. well its not even the last thing because it wouldnt ever even happen . i know my blogs suck i just dont' know what else to write.

peewee is good and chasing her tale right now... ha.

smiling is one way to cure the world.

im still looking up regaurdless.

looking up

The other day Kenny and i were driving and we got into a little nothing fight like usual ( don't act like they don't exist) and i broke down.... completly... we talked... about everything... from certain people to us to money to peewee... we figured alot of stuff out and deiced alot. i don't really want to get to into it because its pretty personal but he helped me open my eyes and tilted my head the little angle it needed to be. im looking up into the bright sky each day and im mkaing the best of it. im working out my life as best i can and im doing everything i can to keep on the right path. there won't be any more giving up or stressing out. everythings going to be a-okay. and you know what...with out him i think i would have jumped out a window by now. he keeps me strong and picks me up and gets me going when im thinking the very worst. he doesn't know it but he means the world to me and i couldn't ask for anyone greater in my life right now.

:)
thinking positive.
smile... its good for the heart.

life latly

just doesn't seem right.... or fair.
i feel like my best friendship... the friendship i have with someone who means more to me then they even realize is slipping away from me. shes the only person i could ever stand to be around for 9 days straight and still not be sick of. i miss her and its breaking my heart. i know she has a busy schedule but this fucking sucks. don't get me wrong i love the people i work with and most of all i love kenny, who is always here for me but sometimes you just need that girly-girl moment and you need that girl moment where you laugh at how stupid you are or you compain about having your period or you go to about advice... and right now i don't have that because shes the only people in my life who i will and want to go to about stuff. its not her fault its not ones fault its just life but i refuse to loose her as my bestfriend.

on another hand my bills are out of control and im still driving my bug nor have i sold my stupid car. tomorrow possibly? but who knows. geze i miss being happy and loving EVERYTHING about life.

on a better note peewee is the most amazing little bundel of joy. shes so cute and so good exzept the whole potty training but were getting there.

and kenny... i couldn't ask for anything more in my life right now. i know to him im a pain in the ass and i cause him so much stupid shit but i don't mean to and im working on it my best. i hate being stressed and i hate being like this. i hate hating my self and i hate how he is the one who has to actually see how much i hate my self. were thinking about moving out i just don't know when.... its all up in the air i guess you could say.

i miss summer i miss my friends i miss ang i miss madeline.i miss smiling and nothing worrieing ABOUT ANYTHING... now all i do is worry about when ill get enough money to pay my bills and my dad.... and if im gonna be kicked out and how my grades are and how im acting towards kenny. i just hate and am upset with my life right now... its just another bump.... I KNOW. i know ill get over it but i just hate when things get like this because this just isn't me at all... i wanna be happy and carefreeeeeee again.
anyway...
im done.


smile... for me please?

slipping away

i feel like everything is slipping away...
and it don't like this feeling at all.
theres so much to do and it seems impossible.
my bills are out of control...
i feel like i've lost my bestfriend
this puppy is more then i thought...
my family is hell
work is nuts im there ALL the time.
im unhappy with my self and how things are going.
i hate the fact that i can't drive my bug till i start making payments in which i have no money to do so and i can't sell my car for the life of me.
shoot me....

i miss being where ever when ever.....

peewee

peewee my little ball of hope to get me through this slump.

KAN<3